Friendship: a keystone of social animals like us. Interestingly enough, we don’t seem to have as many friends nowadays, do we?
If you ask a first grader how many best friends they have, chances are that they would earnestly tell you to wait as they list off everyone in their classroom that they get along with. If you ask a teenager how many friends they have, they might include everyone in their lunch circle. If you present the same question to a person in their thirties, they might answer one or two.
As people age, the amount of friendships they have tends to decrease. Researchers studying developmental psychology often coin this phenomenon as “friendship recession.” But why does this recession happen?
Explaining the “Friendship Recession”
For starters, let us first examine why friendships tend to stick easier during our younger years: children and teenagers normally have a routine of going to school on the weekdays, which means that for at least five days out of the week, they meet the same faces of their peers during class and lunch. This repeated exposure generates ample amounts of time spent together, group bonding, and common topics to talk about—and thus, friend groups are born.
As we move up the educational years from elementary school, we have more choices in our classes. In junior high and high school, there are suddenly six periods instead of one. One may take a Spanish elective while another chooses ceramics. Suddenly, we have an increase of choices, which also increases the chance of having a diverging schedule. This divergence only grows as one enters university, with majors being differentiated with their own unique pathways to graduate, and finally as one enters the workforce. Two childhood friends may find themselves having separate social circles entirely.
The idea of multifinality is a concept in human development that is known to be congruent with this phenomenon of two childhood friends growing to live two completely contrasting lives. The term refers to the concept where two individuals who begin at the same point can diverge dramatically over time. Consider two siblings close in age, for example. They grew up in the same home with the same parents and perhaps even went to the same school. But would you expect them to end up at the same workplace when they are in their thirties? Unlikely—because their experiences accumulate from every choice they make. And the more choices they make, the more likely they are to diverge from one another.
Finding Similarity
So if growing older means that we become increasingly different, does this mean that we lose the ability to connect with others? Not necessarily. Sure, we may live in different timezones and work in different industries, but there is a big thing we might share as we get older: achieving inner peace.
You may have heard of the book title Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking, where its author, Susan Cain, draws upon psychological frameworks to argue that as one grows older, one acts increasingly introverted. According to the evolutionary framework of the psyche, Cain believed that a person’s peak of extraversion is during mid-teenagehood to young adulthood because they are at the healthiest state to reproduce. Extraversion, categorized by a person’s willingness to go out and meet people, would be a great trait to have when finding a mate. Life partners, if we continue with the logic of this evolutionary framework, cause the need for extraversion as a survival mechanism to decrease once one settles down with a partner and children in their thirties and forties and so on. Cain refers to this phenomenon of people being increasingly satisfied with settling down as intrinsic maturation.
Personality researchers support the claim that we act more introverted via a different theory that draws from the Big Five personality traits: extraversion, agreeableness, conscientiousness, neuroticism, and openness. They say that with age comes increased emotional stability, which is dictated by a higher possession of the agreeableness and conscientiousness traits. Conscientiousness, which measures how well one can compartmentalize tasks in an organized manner, and agreeableness, which measures how much one cares for another’s comfort, combine together to form an individual who is steady, mellowed, and helpful. This type of personality pattern would then grow congruent with a lesser need for seeking out loud stimuli and competition, both of which are characteristic of the extraversion trait.
Beyond our evolution and personality, the awareness of our limitations in time becomes increasingly obvious as we age, causing us to prioritize quality over quantity. Human developmentalists refer to this concept as socioemotional selectivity theory. Friendships take energy, time, and resources to maintain; thus, older people prioritize maintaining a few close companions over twenty casual acquaintances. This selectivity ensures that one keeps their inner circle small and concise, only filling it with people who maximize their happiness. This ties neatly with Cain’s idea of intrinsic maturation, where older individuals become more introverted. The framework of personality researchers would see this pattern as congruent with the Big Five personality traits because an individual who has settled down would be satisfied with seeing a few familiar faces over having lunch with eight Facebook friends every day.
So if growing older means that we become increasingly different, does this mean that we lose the ability to connect with others? Not necessarily. Sure, we may live in different timezones and work in different industries. But there is a big thing we might share as we get older. And that is what we ultimately want to achieve in life—inner peace.
All three of these theories reinforce the heightened priority of protecting the inner peace for ourselves as we get older, and rightfully so. Our experiences teach us to learn from our mistakes and break away from toxic peer pressure, allowing every step we take to be a step closer to living our authentic selves.
So, Do We Even Need Friends? (Yes, We Do!)
With that being said, we must not minimize the need for friendships in our adulthood. According to the National Council on Aging (NCOA), maintaining close connections to one’s friends, family, and community can be a protective factor against cardiovascular diseases and strokes, as well as lower smoking rates. You may find yourself more motivated to stay active when you have friends who look forward to doing activities with you, which will likewise keep your body in shape. The health benefits of having friends can be especially important for adults aged 60 and over, when the risk of chronic diseases becomes more and more prominent.
Beyond health benefits, friendships take a uniquely important role after experiencing bereavement or widowhood. The loss of a life partner, a child, or a parent brings a lifelong grieving process for the most important people in our inner circles. Knowing that one has others to depend on avoids sinking into complete isolation. No one experiences grief the same way, and along the path, some old connections may either be lost or shifted. The good news is that the growth you experience can also heighten the empathy you feel for others, which opens doors for deeper, newer relationships.
How Can We Stay Connected?
For those of us who are battling loneliness and fearing disconnection, the most dangerous lie our mind convinces us is that we are suffering alone. Our physical limitations increase as we age, and we may find ourselves experiencing social discriminations (e.g., ageism) beyond our control. This truth may sound bleak, but remember that trustworthy solutions are plentiful in this day and age:
- Assistive devices such as canes and walkers are available to maximize your mobility in public spaces if physical limitations are a concern.
- Accessible parking placards can be considered if you are still driving.
- If you do not own a car and would not like to use public transport, there are door-to-door paratransit services that avoid crowded long-distance walks and the morning bus stop rush.
- If you have anxiety about your health, consider booking regular doctors appointments for your vision and hearing.
- Signing up for educational classes can be considered if you would like to learn more and meet others who share your interests.
- Social discrimination, stereotyping, and ageism are unfortunately a society-wide issue, but the best way to deal with prejudice is seeking connection and education. Seeking organizations that have a goal congruent with yours, meeting likeminded people in university or senior centers (depending on your age) in your local area is a great way to start.
- Thankfully, with our increasing discussion in mental health, therapists are well-trained to help you through your social concerns and grieving process. Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) is a common therapy method to begin looking into if you are interested in building your social skills, challenging inaccurate beliefs, and facing situations that you fear. If you would like to have someone to listen to your current stressors in life, talk therapy is a great way to start! There are various other different kinds of therapies worth looking into depending on what current matter you would like to solve.
- It is also helpful to note that the post-COVID world has an ample supply of online services, including mental health resources.
The Ultimate Social Hack: Do Not Force It!
With this being said, the most important thing about seeking connection is to not force it. You cannot guarantee that someone will become your friend any more than you can guarantee tomorrow’s weather will be sunny. The only thing within your control is your mindset and confidence.
If you are seeking connection, don’t shy away from your smile, jokes, humor, or interests. Show up to places you naturally love and have your creative side show. It is easier to find authentic connections when you are as authentic as you can be. Fortunately, authenticity is something we are all learning as we age, and I am confident that we will find it easier to come by with each passing experience.
The tradeoff to achieving inner peace is not disconnection—it is knowing which connections are meaningful enough to keep maintaining. Having the right people beside you makes all the difference in a long, happy life.
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