Digging into Loneliness – Conversations to Remember

With recent technological advancements such as Zoom calls, messaging platforms, social media, and dating apps, it may come as a surprise that we are lonelier than ever. The average American has four or five close friends, which is a staggering decline from an average of fifteen friends in 1990, according to a Gallup poll. More people in the current social climate feel “isolated, invisible, and insignificant,” with some even calling this widespread sentiment the “loneliness epidemic.”

Being Alone, Not Lonely

Loneliness is not the same as solitude. Solitude is when an individual is both physically and digitally isolated from others. In short and voluntary periods, solitude is shown to be beneficial, providing quality time to reflect and rest. In longer periods, such as solitary confinement, or in repeated forced periods, such as time-out in childhood, it can lead to negative and discomforting feelings towards isolation. Loneliness arises from these negative feelings towards being alone. As bell hooks elaborates in All About Love,

Learning how to “sit” in stillness and quietude can be the first step toward knowing comfort in aloneness. Moving from solitude into community heightens our capacity for fellowship with one another. Through fellowship we learn how to serve one another.
– bell hooks

hooks argues that there are two main ways to overcome this loneliness epidemic: to embrace solitude and to build deeper connections with others. A balance between solitude and socialization is the key to combating loneliness.

Sitting With Yourself

It seems contradictory that part of the cure for loneliness is embracing time alone. However, loneliness relies on negative emotions associated with being alone, which can stem from many factors (e.g., a fear of missing out on experiences that others may be having, confronting uncomfortable thoughts, a perceived association between isolation and low self-worth). In fact, one study found that a majority of participants would rather electrically shock themselves than sit alone with their own thoughts. Similarly, two studies found that being physically isolated from people while viewing others’ social media posts not only decreases high-arousal emotions but also reduces the opportunity for self-reflection. Self-reflection is crucial as it allows individuals to identify negative emotions and unmet needs instead of repressing them.

There are several activities you can do in solitude to promote self-reflection and relaxation. For example, reading fosters empathy and can offer insights into your own life by helping you understand and connect with diverse perspectives. Meditation develops mindfulness, which helps us feel more in tune with our bodies. Even taking a short walk to admire nature can reduce feelings of loneliness and serve as exercise. Creative hobbies such as journaling, drawing, and crafting can provide an avenue to externalize emotions in a healthy way.

Mindfulness comes in different forms. Try setting aside five minutes to sit quietly without any distractions. Close your eyes. Notice what thoughts come up. Observe them quietly without judgment. Although it may feel like five minutes is forever, it gets easier with time. The goal of solitude is to feel more attuned to your mind and body, not to ignore your need to socialize.

Socializing With Others

The other potential cure to loneliness is building deeper connections with others, not just making more of them. Social media and messaging services may enable more meaningful conversations, but oftentimes, they may only lead to a new name on the follower list. Many who suggest that there is a loneliness epidemic point to how Americans now only have a few close friends, despite having several more online followers. Ultimately, the quality of friendships matters far more than the quantity of friends.

40% of people in the latest American Friendship Project report felt that they long for deeper friendships. Casual friendships do have some benefits. One study has shown that having “weak ties” (e.g., the coworker you bump into once a week, the classmate you sit next to and exchange a few words with before lecture) leads people to feel happier than those who have fewer interactions. However, high-quality friendships offer greater benefits; they make us feel seen, heard, and valued. These close relationships protect against depression and anxiety, which can increase lifespan. Most importantly, it’s never too late to form meaningful friendships, as they can be made at any stage in a person’s life.

Deepening friendships may seem daunting, but one way to do so is to ask deeper inquiries, such as these 36 questions. Get to know your weak ties. Hang out with them more often. Listen to them. Simply being present can help you form close friendships.

External Factors

Several external factors have significantly contributed to increased levels of loneliness.

One major shift is the loss of third places (inviting places that are neither work nor home), such as community centers, libraries, parks, and gyms, where people can socialize and organically connect with others.

Online spaces have attempted to replace third places, but face-to-face interactions are far more beneficial for mental health. This was exemplified in one study, which found that face-to-face communication was more strongly associated with positive mental health compared to digital interactions.

Age also plays a role in experiencing loneliness. For example, older adults may be more at risk for loneliness due to the loss of their peers, while young adults may be transitioning between various life stages. Even children may face loneliness if they lack emotionally safe environments.

Societal and structural factors are also important. For example, long and inconvenient work hours, busy school schedules, and a lack of access to transportation can hinder our ability to spend time with friends. Even when we do spend time with friends, social media can put pressure on us to look more connected; the emphasis on follower count, likes, and a curated feed can push some to focus on building an ideal virtual self, rather than cultivating real, vulnerable friendships. Additionally, the stigma surrounding isolation, even if it is for shorter periods of time, makes it challenging to achieve solitude.

What if you’re lonely?

If you or someone you know yearns for a deeper connection with your own thoughts and with others, you may be experiencing loneliness; however, there is hope. You can start small and focus on being present, reaching out, and listening to your needs.

Meaningful connections won’t immediately happen, but we can take small steps to achieve them. Even something as simple as talking to strangers boosts mood and mental health. Try volunteering in your community or through virtual programs such as Conversations to Remember. Talk to that one person you’ve been meaning to talk to. Let yourself take the risk.

You can also start with yourself. Write down what you’re feeling right now, without worrying about how it sounds. Take a 15-minute walk around your neighborhood. Take a 5-minute break from your screen and focus on your posture, breathing, and thoughts. Doing these actions slowly and steadily will build a strong relationship with yourself and others, reducing feelings of loneliness.

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